My Unlucky Pakistani  Circus

You must have heard of the Lucky Irani Circus . Some of you might even have seen it. Now this has given me an idea-to open an Unlucky Pakistani  Circus. All right, folks, the show is on and it is for free.

          I have in the ring violent ethnics, gun-toting students, corrupt bureaucrats, hardened criminals, vicious dope peddlers, enterprising smugglers, profiteering manufacturers and shopkeepers, pettifogging lawyers and above all, quarrelsome MPAs, advisers, special assistants, and assistants. These latter gentlemen are the pick of the show, drawing huge crowds and unprecedented media coverage.

          These men are diverting the people's attention from their most pressing problems. The reason is simple. If you want to solve problems, you will have to work hard. 24 hours a day.

          So who wants to work hard? Slogans are easier than a seven-hour slog at the Ministry or office or farm or factory. A slogan a day keeps all problems away but multiplying. And when they multiply beyond a certain limit, in walks the unwanted. My Unlucky Circus  ends and the Lucky Circus for the lucky few begins. The unlucky millions have to wait for the restoration of democracy (or sloganocracy), so that I can put my Unlucky Circus together again.

          My show has been having a marvellous run for the last hundred days and more. For that, I am grateful to Messrs Nawaz Sharif , Aitzaz Ahsan , Farooq Leghari, Makhdum Altaf Ahmad , Mukhtar Awan, Salman Taseer , and a host of extremely cooperative politicians.

          After all, what are friends for? The pugilists named above have shouted and yelled the daylights out of the people. No one is talking of problems now. The masses are milling to my Unlucky Show.

          If my friends were to shut up for one single day, my tamasha will fold. I like it when the Prime Minster and the Home Minister say one thing and Mr. Pervez Saleh , Farooq Leghari, and Mukhtar Awan another. That shows that the PPP  is running on sound, democratic lines. And it is good for my Unlucky Circus .

          There is another great advantage in the current situation. My sideshows (which are no less lucrative) such as ethnic violence, student unrest, bureaucratic corruption, dope peddling, profiteering, smuggling, adulteration and things can continue uninterrupted. Wow! What prospects! May political sanity never descend on our land! Amen !

          I have a few uncomfortable cousins who don't like what is going on one bit. This is to say that they want me to go out of business. Blood in my case is thinner than water.    

I ran into one of these scoundrels this morning.

          " You journalists should all be hung and quartered ," he began by way of greeting.

          " The same to you and have a nice day, " I replied.

" No, no. You just sit here and hear me out ," the cousin said and I complied. Had to.

          " Now, then. Have you been reading the papers since the dawn of democracy? "

          " As you know, I never do, not even on the throne. I only write for one of them ."

          " Which makes it worse. It means that you are not only a bad journalist but an ill-informed one ."

          " I ' ll not quarrel with you on that ."

          " No, you won't. It is I who will do the quarrelling ," he said and proceeded to read out headlines from the day's paper:

          " Benazir calls for cooperation."

" Mukhtar Awan says Nawaz Sharif  will live to rue the vote of confidence he secured."

          " Aitzaz Ahsan  welcomes change of attitude in the Punjab ."

" Nawaz Sharif 's labour policy is a hoax. We'll not give him a penny, says Mukhtar Awan."

          " If the centre subverted the IJI  Government in Balochistan , why doesn't the IJI Government in the Punjab  resign in protest, as we did in the Frontier when ZAB sacked the Balochistan Government in the seventies," Wali Khan.

          " Adviser Gulzar Ahmad Khan  says Nawaz sought fresh vote out of fear."

          " Sen. Abdul Latif says PPP  failed to dislodge Nawaz Sharif ."

          Having read these and more headlines, my cousin resumed his attack on me.

          " Why is the Press  promoting this kind of politics? " He asked.

          " Because this is the politics which is being played, and it is good for my Unlucky Circus . Surely, you don't want to drive me out of business, do you?"

          " You and your Unlucky Circus  be damned. This kind of politics and this kind of journalism must stop. "

          " All right. What kind of politics and what kind of Press  do you want? "

          " I want politics of principles, and I want you people to stop encouraging politics of personalities ."

          " How? " I asked.

" I want politicians to speak only in the assemblies, and I want the Press  to stop covering news conferences and letterhead statements ."

          " That will make newspapers dull and dreary. Sales will fall. Do you want the national Press  to go into bankruptcy? " I demanded.

          " For heavens sake, no. The press will NOT go into bankruptcy. The press owes it to change reading habits. Losses, if at all they occur, will be temporary. We must eliminate the slogan from our lives ."

          " But how to fill our pages? " I asked.

" Fill the pages? Man, you won't have the space you get down to the business of serious journalism ."

          " All right. Give me the headlines to replace the ones you have quoted ."

          " That easy enough. You listen to these":

" Benazir outlines new national conservation strategy."

          " Population Commission report presented to the National Assembly ."

          " Federal grant to the Punjab  to fight malnutrition."

" Health Minister gives new policy to fight against water-borne diseases."

          " Labour Minister offers unemployment relief to the educated unemployed."

          " Report on industrial stagnation released."

" Four-heroin peddlers sentenced to death."

          " Smoking vehicles ordered off the roads."

" Law against honking near schools, colleges, hospitals to be strictly enforced."

          " Authority of the Punjab  Public Service Commissioner restored."

          " Pollution threatening marine life off the Karachi  shore."

" Cigarette ads ordered off the print and electronic media."

          " Cut in defence expenditure demanded."

" Political parties evolve code of conduct."

          " Staggering banking scandal unearthed."

" PFUJ launches internship scheme for young journalists."

          " Fifteen sports waderas sacked."

" Forced labour camp unearthed."

          " Seven child-lifters get life terms."

" Environment made compulsory subject from primary level."

          " Premier constitutes permanent commission on women."

" Pakistan  ratifies U.N. convention on outlawing discrimination against women."

          " N.A. outlaws smoking in public places. . . . "

And on and on my cousin went.

          " This is a recipe for making the newspapers dull beyond endurance ," I said.

          " All serious problems are basically dreary problems, because they demand constant hard work. It is easier to speculate on the future of Mian Nawaz Sharif  than to do work on the Greenhouse Effect . The future of Mian Nawaz Sharif is irrelevant to national survival; but pollution is. Pollution must make the front page every day. "

          " What you want, my dear, is researches, concerned journalism; and you are not going to get it ," I told him.

          " Why? " he asked.

" Because it involves hard work and sound education. It requires concerned readership. It is possible only in a sane, serene, and stable society and we are neither sane nor serene nor yet stable. Good journalism needs good money, not the Wage Board pittances announced from time to time, I tried to convince my cousin.

          The scoundrel threw an ashtray at me. It crashed against the wall behind me as I ran for life.

March 17, 1989