An Ordinance to Abolish Happiness

DON'T take me seriously. I don't do that myself. Taking things seriously is bad for health. The first part of this piece is the figment of my own imagination, febrile imagination at that. You have bad dreams on a bad stomach. I read the report on the presidential ordinance banishing happiness in a dream. Even antacids are no help these days. Here, then, is the transcript of my dream:

          The President  on Saturday promulgated an ordinance abolishing human happiness in Islamabad  and its colonies of Balochistan , the North-West Frontier Province, the Punjab , and Sindh .

          The following is the text of the Abolition of Happiness Ordinance , 1998:

Ordinance No. CCC II of 1998

An ordinance to abolish happiness in Islamabad  and the colonies of Balochistan , the North-West Frontier Province, the Punjab , and Sindh .

          Whereas it is expedient to abolish happiness for the purposes hereinafter appearing;

          And whereas the National Assembly  is not in session, and the president  is satisfied that circumstances exist which render it necessary to take immediate action.

          Now, therefore, in exercise of the power conferred on him by a non-existent article of the Constitution of the Islamic  Republic of Pakistan , the President  is pleased to make and promulgate the following ordinance:

1.      Short title and commencement.

          (1) This ordinance may be called the Abolition of Happiness Ordinance , 1998 .

          (2) It shall come into force at once.

2.      This ordinance seeks to promote, protect, and preserve the people's fundamental right to poverty, privation, and misery at all times.

3.      The federal government  may appoint as many directors-general and deputy directors-general in the anti-happiness directorate-general, as it may consider necessary, and determine their headquarters, places of work and areas of jurisdiction.

4.      Any attempt by an individual or groups of individuals to be happy either in private or in public shall be an offence punishable with imprisonment extending up to six years or a fine of Rs. 100,000 or both.

5.      To secure the ends defined in clause 4 above, the following steps shall be taken immediately:

(a) Radio and television shall not broadcast or telecast or cause to be broadcast and telecast any plays or other programmes which contain material conducive to happiness directly or indirectly.

(b) All books, literary or otherwise, will be excised of such matter as pleases their readers or gives them hope for a better tomorrow.

(c) The prohibitory orders in (a) and (b) above shall in equal measure to newspapers and periodicals.

6.      All households shall be required to put up loudspeakers facing the streets on which they are located so that the neighbours can share family squabbles.

7.      All families shall be required to use 1000-decibel music systems.

8.      All families shall be required to litter the streets in which they live with household refuse.

9.      All citizens shall be required by law to covet that to which they have no title.

10.    Legal cover shall be provided to qabza groups everywhere at all times.

11.    All vehicles, which do not emit toxic smoke, shall be liable to be impounded.

12.    The power tariff is being raised to Rs. 1,000 per unit to prevent frivolous use of electricity.

13.    To prevent picnics and punctuality in private and public offices, the price of petrol is being increased to Rs. 500 per litre.

14.    The anti-happiness directorate-general will take such steps as are necessary to promote sectarian violence and ethnic exclusivism.

15.    Public hospitals shall stand abolished within 30 days of the promulgation of this ordinance, so that people in need of medical help can be fleeced by private hospitals and clinics.

16.    A separate minority of unhappiness shall be created to ensure the implementation of the provisions of this Ordinance.

* * * * *

HIMAL , the South Asian magazine , which is published in Kathmandu, is invariably good, and getting better every month. It has a mischievous contributor who writes an unsigned article on the last page of the magazine. His piece is titled "Abominably Yours." In the March issue of Himal , he writes:

 . . . Marsh crocodile, being pragmatic reptiles, which believe in Karma, deliberately keep the lines, blurred between good and evil. They have to; it is their survival strategy. They cannot say: "That is really a cute water fowl taking a drink over yonder Oxbow lake, I will let it continue on its winter migratory route from Siberia, and dine instead on this tasteless bottom-feeding mollusc." If they were truly moral, marsh crocodiles would be an endangered species.

                Vedic scriptures promote this ambiguity (All Is Nothing, Nothing is all), and lay down the primordial law that the powerful can get away with whatever the hell they please. Dharma, therefore, is judged not in terms of ethics and righteousness, but on whether or not one carries out one's caste duties. This leaves large grey areas that legitimise everything from fornication to genocide.

                Military offensives, which if they were carried out today, would land the Pandava Brothers in a war crimes tribunal of the International Court of Justice  in The Hague, are OK. A Gangetic spiritual leader can get away with using a flying monkey  with a flaming tail to firebomb at Lankan city, and then drive his wife to self-immolation, and that's OK too. Today's arsonists and bride burners perhaps take their cue from these role models. No other religion gives its followers so much leeway to deviate from the straight and narrow."

This explains many things. Babri Mosque , for one, the rape of Kashmir  for another.

Sunday , April 5, 1998