Things Are of the Very Complicatus, Sir Ji
LAST WEEK I had wanted to write on the Lahore Conservation Society, but The Star diverted my attention to the great city of Karachi . This week, as I was about to write on Tony's Magic Motors, a workshop that has finally brought the twentieth century to town in auto repair, I was seized by a mad impulse, and I sent a young friend to buy me a copy of the 1984 edition of the Lahore Gazetteer .
Published by the Research and Gazetteer Cell of the Punjab Board of Revenue, the 1984 edition is essential reading for all students of the institutional decline that is undermining the very foundations of this country.
The 433-page volume is priced at Rs. 425 almost a rupee to the page. Each page carries at least ten errors of expression, grammar, and syntax. A minimum of 4, 330 errors. It is a case of triple murder and gang rape. It murders history and it rapes plain good sense, and in my opinion, comes within the mischief of the Hudood Ordinance . It is more heinous than Nawabpur and, in the art of rape, puts Jack the Ripper to shame. It is, in short, an immoral book. It should never have seen the light of day. One wonders why incompetence can't be made an offence under the Hudood Ordinance. A man who drinks is only wasting his own money and his own health. We catch him and we flog him. But when public servants in charge of public money squander public resources in full public view, we put their names in the honours list. I propose that we institute a dishonours list beginning this Independence Day . Top of this list should be the author, compiler, editor, proofreaders and research workers of the Lahore Gazetteer . And I'll explain why I nominate these gentlemen to head the dishonours list.
Let us begin from the Editor's Note. " Changes have been made by strides during the last three decades, and it would have been an injustice to the future posterity not to take notice of them and to prepare the gazetteer on the old pattern ." Future posterity! O ye gods, some mercy on the back of my posterior.
Again, " Mr. . . . was requested to do additional work of this assignment in order to make the Gazetteer of Lahore as much useful as possible and reliable to a considerable extent. "
Yet again: " This will be the first draft of its kind to come out from the Press because it contains numerous photographs of important historical monuments, beautiful old mosques of Lahore , some strings of great sanctity attached to them. . . ."
" My thanks are due to Miss . . . who went through this draft and made attempts to make corrections."
" Before I close my remarks, I would like to mention here that the proofs of these gazetteers have been read thrice. . . . Unfortunately, we do not have any skilled or professional proofreaders in our cell. . . . And if readers find any printing mistakes, which we did our best to remove, I can only offer my apology in this behalf. . . . We would like, however, to apologies for any omission or commission that we might have committed in the process. The future authors will have ample time to put the facts straight, if necessary. "
And now a quote from the preface. " Since 1968 enough water has flown in River Ravi , complex of Pakistan has changed and complex 'omissions' of the editor and his in-estimable colleagues, I want to commission a hangman and order him to perform around a dozen cold-blooded acts of omission (omission here meaning what I should)."
I have dealt with the Editor's Note and the preface only. For the gazetteer proper, I reserve judgment until next Saturday.
N.B.: When a friend is at a loss for words, he speaks Gazetteer English . " Things are of the very complicatus, Sir Ji."
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LAST Monday, I found that I had smoked away nearly 3 packets or almost 60 cigarettes. On Tuesday morning when I got up, I debated the issue with myself and concluded that 60 cigarettes a day was a bit too much, and that I had better do something about it. The Devil whispered in my ear. It's too late in the day to mend. After all, what the hell difference does it make whether you die at 37 or 73? You only live once. So, enjoy it while it lasts. "Babar ba aish koash ke alam dobara neest" etc. etc. and I opened a fresh pack. It was 9 a.m. Tuesday morning Dr. Zafar Omer, the anti-medicine physician, I saw in my mind's eye and he said: Don't listen to the Devil. Cut down on tobacco. No matter how long you live, you would at least be saving money and cheating your doctor, which is me. I have never thought too much of Dr. Zafar Omer either as a friend or a student of politics or his Lahore Conservation Society, but I was in defy-the-devil, mood that morning so I decided to give old Z. O. a chance. It was 9 a.m. Tuesday, July 17. I took out a cigarette and noted the time on my pack, determined there would at least be an hour between smokes. This is how it went: cigarette one, 9 a.m., second 10:17, third 12:15, fourth 1:40, fifth 3:00, sixth 4:01, seventh 5:48, eighth 7:45, and ninth 11:15 p.m.
Nine cigarettes in a day instead of 60. Not bad for the first day of my anti-smoking campaign, or don't you think? It was a game of solitaire one could play-my conscience and me. On Wednesday, it was the same. Six cigarettes from 8:40 a.m. to 4 in the afternoon. I hope to goodness I can go on like this. It is not that I am afraid of the Ministry of Health warning on my pack: " Smoking is injurious to health. " I think the Ministry of Health is more injurious to my health than smoking. But think of the money I'll be saving. As a friend said: Why, Sir, you have given yourself a seven hundred-rupee raise. And, by Jove, he's right. I could buy myself at least a one-way ticket to London at the end of the year. And if cigarette prices keep going up, I'll have saved myself a cool million before the end of Fiscal 1994-95. " I'll use the money to buy myself a seat in the LMC. But the Devil laughs in my ear: What makes you think you live that long and even if you do, you'll have to have at least five million to become a councillor. Dust in the Devil's mouth.
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NOT long ago, Peter Kellner , political editor of the New Statesman , wrote:
" Victor Zorza , The Guardian 's Kremlin-watcher from the mid-50s to the mid-70s (and one of the few journalists to predict the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia in 1968) was once asked to recall his worst misjudgement. ' The Hungarian uprising in 1956', he replied. ' I went to Budapest and was intoxicated by the atmosphere. I thought it would succeed. If I had stayed in London reading Pravda and Izvestia , I would have known it would fail ."
August 14, 1984
