Presto, Presto, Here's a Manifesto!
THIS pestilential friend of mine, faced flushed with excitement, barged into my room the other day, waving several copies of Dawn at me.
"Hey, have you read the manifesto ?" he asked, almost out of breath.
"I never read manifestos as a matter of policy," I told him icily.
"You are a newspaperman and you don't read the manifestos? What sort of a journalist are you?" he asked.
"I don't read the manifestos because that's the leader writers' job. They have to do the editorials, I don't."
"Whether or not you have to do the editorials, you must read the manifestos even as an ordinary citizen" he insisted.
"An ordinary citizen I am not, I protest. I am a columnist, which is something special. It is my prerogative to decide what to read and what not to read, and further more, all manifestoes are manifestly dishonest documents."
"But you must read this manifesto , even if it is for my sake," he almost begged.
"Well, alright, let's glance through it." It was the PPP manifesto for the 1993 elections. My first impression was that it could have been abbreviated to one-tenth of its inordinate size. My father used to say that a lie had to be lengthy. "Brief lies are always caught out son," he used to say. "If you want to be a liar, spin a yarn as long as the Arabian nights in order to befuddle your victim," he used to advise.
"Well, what do you think of it?" asked my friend. As if he was seeking a personal favour.
"You want me to be honest?" I have never wanted to hurt people.
"By all means. Be honest. Be brutally honest."
"Well, then, I think this PPP document is an encyclopaedia of political inanities. It is trite beyond words. It is, in short, O-level stuff."
"Shame on you! I think it is the most revolutionary document since the Communist Manifesto came out."
"You may be right at that. Voters of Pakistan unite! You have nothing to lose except your votes," I said and my friend could have murdered me.
"You are too cruel, too one-sided, to be a friend but before I sever a life-long relationship, tell me just one thing. What do you think of the PPP 's Government at the Doorstep plan? I think it is brilliant," beamed my friend.
"You mean the governor -for-every-district-programme under which the provincial governor shall be re-designated governor-general?" I asked.
"Precisely! And don't be mean. Be just. After all, like all of us, you will die one day. What face will you show to the Almighty?"
"I have to hand it to the PPP . The scheme is brilliant. It will end unemployment, corruption and all related social evils by the turn of the century and all of us will live happily ever after."
"There you are! You see, I knew it all along. Anti-PPP as you are, you are still capable of knowing a good thing when you see one," said my friend, overjoyed.
He then asked me to explain how the PPP were on to a good thing. That was easy. Every district governor would have a ten-member cabinet. That would mean over 30 governors and over 300 ministers in Punjab alone. Nation-wide, we would have anything between fifty to sixty governors, and 500 to 600 ministers and we would have four governors-general with a provincial ministerial cadre of around two hundred and we would have more ministers per capita than in any other country of the world.
That is why, it told my friend, I wanted the PPP to return to power with a thumping majority. My friend was more than pleased. He wanted to kiss me but my beard wouldn't allow him to do that. I asked him to hold on. I hadn't done with the PPP's Government-at-the-Doorstep-plan as yet.
After the elections, Lahore would have a governor all its own. He would have to belong to a certain locality, say, Mochi Gate . Very soon, the people of other parts of the city would begin to resent the fact that they were being governed by a Mochi Gate -Walla . Bhati Gate would rise in revolt and demand district status for itself. And the PPP , being the people's party would have to accept this very genuine demand.
So, before a year was out, there would be 13 governments in the Walled City with 130 ministers. This would make people living in other parts of Lahore extremely jealous, indeed, and the city would have to be divided into fifty autonomous districts with fifty governors and 500 ministers.
This will happen all over the country and before election time in 1998, we shall have at least 1,000 governors and 10,000 ministers. This fragmentation at the grassroots level will lead to fragmentation at the treetop level and we shall, in five years from now, have 50 provinces with 50 governors-general with a ministerial cadre of at least 2,500.
Needless to say that the PPP will obliterate all other parties in the 1998 elections, winning all seats except the one ceded to Nawabzada Nasrullah Khan . Having established Government at the Doorsteps in 1993, the PPP will create further doorsteps. For example, the locality in which I have has eight blocks. Each one of them will be declared an autonomous district and my locality shall have eight governors and 80 ministers. This will happen all over the city and we shall have 500 governors and 5,000 ministers in Lahore alone.
Nationwide, the figure will be 15,000 governors and 150,000 ministers. At the treetop level, districts shall be made provinces and we shall have 500 governors-general and ministerial cadre of 5,000 ministers.
With such a brilliant Government-at-the-Doorsteps record, the PPP will increase the number of NA seats to 20,000 and that of the Senate to 4,000. Winning the 2003 elections will be child's play and by the time the PPP completes its third term in office, and Mohtarima Benazir Bhutto delivers her fifteenth child, every household will be an autonomous district in its own right.
All Pakistanis above the age of 18 will-by the grace of Allah , and with the help of the untiring efforts of the PPP -will be either ministers, governors, governor -generals, MNAs, MPAs, federal ministers, senators etc. There will be total employment in the country, and milk and honey will flow in the gutters and sullage water will find its own, autonomous outlets.
At around this point, my friend, never too quick on the uptake, found out that I was being funny at his expense. But he didn't say a word. He just went inside to the room where I keep my sports gear, came out with the heaviest gold iron from my bag and quietly broke both my ankles for me.
Now I answer three questions for you:
Is Alice in Wonderland? Nyet !
Is Babe in the Wood? Nyet !
Is it B. B. in Blunderland? Da! (use the softest 'd' you can) Da ?
Friday, September 10, 1993
